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Pets

Angus

Family: Georgia Nicolson (owner), Crossy-eyed Gordy (son), Naomi (mistress)
Appearance: Half Scottish wild-cat, half domestic tabby. The size of a small Labrador.
Likes: Savaging tights, cardigans, ankles, feet and poodles. Eating knickers.
Dislikes: Being ignored.
Behaviour: Mad as a mad thing in Mad Land. Senselessly brave. Angus likes to stalk his prey, toy with it and then close in for the kill. Keep small children out of the way if you see him coming.
Fave hang-outs: In the fridge, sitting in the butter (don’t ask). In my bed, biting my knees. On the front garden wall, licking Naomi’s bottom. In Mr and Mrs Next-Door’s garden, riding the Prat Poodles around like little horsies.
Special qualities: Angus is my bestiest kitty-kat pal. When he stares at me with those big yellow eyes, after scooping all the fish out of the Next-Doors’ pond and eating them, I sense he understands my heartbreaknosity. I like to think we have some kind of cosmic connection.

Cross-eyed Gordy

Family: Georgia & Libby Nicolson (owners), Angus (father), Naomi (part-time mother)
Appearance: Small, ginger, cross-eyed.
Likes: Mousey snacks. Chewing things. Dressing-up.
Dislikes: Being disciplined by his dad.
Fave hang-outs: Top of my wardrobe or bedroom door, waiting to pounce. In the airing cupboard, with Libby.
Behaviour: Gordy has inherited the loon gene from his dad, but prefers cross-dressing to savage stalking. He is Libby’s favourite play thing, and can often be seen wearing lipstick, eye make-up and clip-on earrings. I suspect he has homosexualist tendencies.
Special qualities: Astonishingly weirdy cross-eyes.

Naomi

Family: Mr and Mrs Across the Road (owners), Angus (part-time boyfriend), Gordy (son).
Appearance: Burmese temptress.
Likes: Parading around. Licking bottoms.
Dislikes: Monogamy.
Fave hang-out: My garden wall, practising kitty porn – erlack.
Special qualities: Tip-top kittykat snogging skills – erlack a pongees.

Prat Poodles

Family: Mr and Mrs Next-Door (owners).
Appearance: Pratish.
Likes: Being dressed up in ludicrous poodle pyjamas.
Dislikes: Angus. Being ridden around like little horsies.
Fave hang-out: Tucked up safely indoors.
Special qualities: They are an endless source of hilariosity.