Rate

To fancy someone.

Red-bottomosity

Having the big red bottom. This is vair vair interesting vis a vis nature. When a lady baboon is ‘in the mood’ for luuurve, she displays her big red bottom to the male baboon. (Apparently he wouldn’t have a clue otherwise, but that is boys for you!) Anyway, if you hear the call of the Horn, you are said to be displaying red-bottomosity.

Roby Reliant

Oh, please, please don’t ask me about this. Oh very well. You know how old blokes keep inventing things? For no reason? Well, they do. There’s always some complete twit from a village called Little Beddingham or Middle Wallop – anyway, somewhere where there are no shops or television (or a decent lunatic asylum), and the complete twit is called Nigel or Terence and he invents things like a tiny shower for sparrows, an ostrich-egg cup, or a nose picker. You get the idea. Anyway, one of these types called Robin invented a car that only has three wheels. A three-wheeled car. Er – that’s it. That was his brilliant invention. No reason for it. It’s a bit like that bloke who invented the unicycle. All they do is encourage clowns. They should be stopped really, but I am vair vair tired.

Scheissenhaussen

Quite literally (if you happen to be a Lederhosen-type person) a house that you poo in (scheiss is poo and haus is house). Poo house. Lavatory. Or rest room as Hamburger-a-gogo types say. No one knows why they say that. Oh no, hang on, I think I do know. When they all lived in the Wild West in wooden shacks, one room was both their bedroom and their lavatory. Cowboys didn’t mind that sort of thing. In fact they loved it. But I don’t.

Score

Twenty pounds. (You are obsessed with money). Score is a numbering system from Henry VIII’s times. ‘Three score year and ten’ meaning 70 years. The Hamburger-a-gogo types have no idea of the amount of words we have to remember in our land. They are very lucky that they made up their own language and can miss letters out – like aluminium and ‘erbs instead of aluminium and herbs and so on.

Sellotape

As you know, this is usually used for sticking bits of paper to other bits of paper. But it can be used for sticking hair down to make it flat. (Once I used it for sticking Jas’s mouth shut when she had hiccups. I thought it might cure them. It didn’t, but it was quite funny anyway.)

Sherpa Tensing

When English people were stopped from conquering places by spoilsports who said, “Clear off, this is our land,” we had to have Plan B. Plan B was to conquer other things, like mountains. English blokes began hurling themselves up Everest like knobbly-kneed lemmings. The Everest folk got sick of them falling off or wandering around saying, “Where am I?” and blundering into their villages day and night in unnecessary anoraks. So they (the local folk – called Sherpas) decided to lead them up Everest just to get rid of them. And the head Sherpa-type bloke was called Sherpa Tensing

Sidies

Bits of face hair that men grow down the sides of their ears to their chins. If you are asking me why, try asking Hamburger-a-gogo people, as I believe you will find George Washington started it.

Slag

Slag is a lovely, complimentary world for girls, meaning madam. No it’s not, it’s a word that mean ‘you are a rough, common, tarty girl with very low moral standards’.

Smalls

An ironic term for underpants. Well, ironic in my vati’s case: if his underpants were called “massives”, that would make more sense.

Spangelfurk

A kind of German sausage. I know. You couldn’t make it up, could you? The German language is full of this kind of thing, like lederhausen and so on. And Goosegot. Vair vair good value.

Squid

In English currency a pound is called a quid. (I don’t know why, to be frank with you, but what I do know if that it is nothing to do with Harry Potter and quidditch, so don’t even go there.) Squid is the plural of quid, and I do know why that is. A bloke owed another bloke six pounds or six quid and he goes up to him with an octopus with one of his tentacles bandaged up, and he says, ‘Hello, mate, here’s the sick squid I owe you’. Do you see? Do you see?? Sick squid – six squid??? The marvellous juxtaposition of… Look, we just call pounds squids. Leave it at that. Try to get on with people.

Strop

A strop is number three on the famous ‘losing it’ scale. This is as follows:

* minor tizz * complete tizz and to do * strop * a visit to Strop Central * FT (funny turn) * spazattack * complete ditherspaz * nervy b (nervous breakdown) * complete nervy b * ballisiticisimus

Tig

Apparently Hamburger-a-gogo people call this “tag”. I won’t ask why because I am full of exhausterosity and also want to go to the piddly-diddly department.

Work experience

I include this because I am speaking on behalf of the youth of Britain. He can’t speak for himself because he is too stupid. Anyway, whose idea was this? My vati’s probably. Teenagers who are innocently filling in time at school, you know, painting their nails, chatting and snoozing, etc. are forced to go to a shop or hospital ward or office or science lab and spend a day there, so that they know what it is like to work. As I have said many times to my mutti, I am far, far too busy to work. And anyway, I know what work is like: it is crap.

Wet

A drippy, useless, nerdy idiot – Lindsay.

Whelk boy

A whelk is a horrible shellfish thing that only the truly mad eat. It is slimy and mucus-like. A “whelk boy” is a boy who kisses like a whelk, i.e. a slimy mucussy kisser. Erlack-a-pongoes.

Unhelp

Jas. This is someone who you ask to do something vair vair simple – like shut up, for instance. But they don’t; they just ramble on and on for England.

Or an “unhelp” is, well… what if you asked someone (Jas) to go to the forest with you to help set fire to and bury someone’s telephone number (someone who shall remain nameless but whose name begins with “L” and ends with “uuuuuurve God”). What if you asked them to do a simple task like that? Do you see? Are you following me?

Well, it would be a “help” if they just did that. But how about this? How about – when you set fire to the number some complete fool and twit (Jas) spots some ludicrous slug and bends down to examine it, and the match accidentally sets fire to her annoying fringe. What a stroke of luck some people might say – killing two whatsits with one thingy. That’s what normal people would say. But an “unhelp” would strike you forcefully in the shins and strop off. And they would think that was being a “help”. I rest my case.

Undercrackers

Now this is a vair amusing word meaning underpants. Or Unterhosen as it is in Lederhosen-a-gogo language – “Gott in Himmel! Ich habe ein Spangelferkel in my Unterhosen!!!” being a useful phrase to remember if you ever find a sausage in your undercrackers. Which you certainly will if you ever go to Lederhosen-a-gogo land and go camping with the Koch family – the big Kochs are absolutely obsessed with Spangelferkel, as we all unfortunately know.

Truncheon

A fat piece of wood for policemen to bop criminals on the hand with, or twirl about for a laugh. I have been told (by Jas so I am not relying on it), that the hamburgese say ‘baton’. But why their policemen have the time to conduct orchestras at work, I do not know.