Land of the Big White Clots

Now I’m glad you asked me this because it is a hilarious play on words. (It is, believe me.) Anyway, this is it. Kiwi-a-gogo land is called something in Maori that translates as ‘Land of the Big White Clouds’. But I have changed ‘clouds’ to ‘clots’ to hilarious effects because it suggests that Kiwi-a-gogo land is full of clots. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Oh dear Gold, you don’t know what clots are, do you? I can feel my life ebbing away. But as it’s you and I love you so much, I’ll go on. Clots is an olde Englishe words for ‘fool’ ie. a person who is in between a twit and a tosser.

Laters

Plural of s’later. Really, if I was being a nit-picking swotty-knickers (ie. Jas) I would always say ‘laters’ when I said ‘s’later’ to the Ace Gang because they are plural. However, I am not Jas (hurrah!), so I say what I like.

Live and late

A late-night gig that has live bands on.

Loo

Lavatory. In America (land of the free and criminally insane) they say “rest room”, which is funny, as I never feel like having a rest when I go to the lavatory.

Lurgified

This is an extension of the word “lurgy”. To have the lurgy is to either have a physical or mental illness; so you could have the flu, but you could also have “stupid brain”, which is what happens when you see a gorgey bloke and become “lurgified” – touched by the lurgy.

Mate

A mate is someone that you don’t fancy, and they don’t fancy you. You are just, like, matey together. For instance, if you were with a mate you would feel free to do gaseous interchange (knee tremblers and burping) ad hoc and willy nilly. You would casually display lurkers to your mate and ask their advice vis-à-vis lurker control, ditto basooma issues. A mate is someone you can share the good times with and no strings attached. For instance, when I showed Ro Ro the bison horns in my lap during a particularly coma-inducing story about Herr Kamyer’s schnauzer (his dog, I mean, you naughty minxes). Where was I? Oh yes, when I said, “Look down at my lap,” Ro Ro said, quite rightly, “Oy, you are a nice-looking girl and all that but I am just not interested.” Implying that she was not interested in my lap because she was not a lezzie, merely my mate. Do you see?

The difficulty on the mates front is when there is doubtosity. Like with Dave the Laugh. Sometimes Dave is a tip-top mate of the first water, but then nip libbling occurs accidentally, or the red bottom enters the picture, and then where are you? You are snogging a mate; that is where you are. You are living in the Land of the Really Quite Confused.

The other difficulty is when people think they are your mates and follow you around being matey, e.g. Nauseating P Green and the titches. What is needed here is an anti-mate spray. I may invent one when I have the time (i.e. never).

Oh, and p.s. on the mates front: the biggest diff is when someone wants to be your mate and you want to snog them to within an inch of their life. And no, I do not mean Jas. I mean the Luuurve God. (Well, not just THE Luuurve God, but Luuurve Gods in general.)

Milky pops

A soothing hot milk drink for when you are a little person. (No, not an elf, I mean a child.) Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, when you are a child people give words endings to make them more cozy. Chocolate is therefore obviously choccy woccy doo dah. Blanket is blankin. Tooth is tushy peg. Easy is easy peasy lemon squeezy. If grown-ups ever talk like this, do not hesitate to kill them.

Nervy spaz

Nervous spasm. Nearly the same as a nervy b. (nervous breakdown) or an F.T. (funny turn), only more spectacular on the physical side.

Nippy noodles

Nervous spasm. Nearly the same as a nervy b. (nervous breakdown) or an F.T. (funny turn), only more spectacular on the physical side.

Nub

The heart of the matter. You can also say gist and thrust. This is from the name for the centre of a wheel where the spokes come out. Or do I mean hub? Who cares. I feel a dance coming on.

Nunga-nungas

Basoomas. Girls’ breasty business. Ellen’s brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold of a girl’s breast and pull it out and then let it go, it goes nunga-nunga-nunga. As I have said many, many times with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong with boys.

Oeuvres

Now this means… er… hang on a minute, maybe it IS the French plural for eggs? Now you’ve got me all confused. Un oeuf, two oeufs… it’s not two oeuvre, is it? Any fool would know that. Yes, I am pretty sure that it means ‘work’, as in work of art. And not an egg. Look, just leave it.

Over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder

This is a hilarious (to my mind) alternative name for a nunga-nunga holder. It originates from my mutti’s enormous basooma-capturers, which she keeps in her top drawer. They look as if they have been designed to support two gigantic boulders. Often when I am in a bored or reflective mood I will rifle through her underwear, marvelling at the engineering work required to counteract the strain as she hurls herself around at aerobics and so on. I may suggest to her that she recycles her bras and sends them to poor Brownie packs where they could be used on camping trips as tents for the smaller girls.

Pash

Passion. As in, “I had a real pash on him until I saw his collection of vole droppings.” Or, in Masimo’s case, “He is my one and only super-duper pash.” That is official.

Pashed

A bit put out by something. Full of confusiosity and redness, and inward mayhem.

Pingy pongoes

A very bad smell. Usually to do with farting.

Pizza a -gogo land

Masimoland. Land of wine, sun, olives and vair vair groovy Luuurve Gods. Italy. The only bad point about Pizza-a-gogo land is their football players, who are so vain that if it rains they all run off the pitch so that their hair doesn’t get ruined.

Polo neck

I am not pointing the finger of shame anywhere, but did you know that in Hamburger-a-gogo land they call polo necks “turtle necks”. Having a neck like a turtle has never been a big selling point for me… but let them have it their own way if the Hamburgese LUUURVE turtles so much.