Books

Glossary

Ethelread the Unready

Ah, I am glad that you asked me this because once more I am able to display my huge talent for historiosity. Most English kings and queens get nicknames like “Richard the Lionheart” (because he was brave and so on) or “Good Queen Bess”. Ethelred (who lived a long long time ago, even before Slim was a young boy) is famous for being “unready”. The Vikings came to England to pillage and shake their big red legs at the English folk. They sneaked into his castle and caught Ethelred in the loo, and took over the castle. Hence his name – Ethelred the Unready. He’s lucky that is all he’s called. Things could be much worse: he could be called Ethelred the Pooey, or Ethelred on the Looey.

Five's court

This is a typical Stalag 14 idea. It’s minus forty-five degrees outside, so what should we do to entertain the schoolgirls? Let them stay inside in the cozy warmth and read? No. Let’s build a concrete wall outside with a red line at waist height, and let’s make them go and hit a hard ball at the red line with their little freezing hands. What larks!

Fringe

Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs”, but this is so ridiculously strange that it’s not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with a fringe (me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend who cut their hair with a pudding bowl, and the rest is history.

Fule

Fool. This is a more pleasant way of saying it (ish). It sounds more Christmassy, showhow… ‘Let’s all go sing, a hey nonny no, and bring in the Christmastide fule for the fire’, and so on

Gorgey

Gorgeous. Like fabby (fabulous) and marvy (marvellous).

Half-term

Oh, of course you must all know what this is, you are toying with my emotions, you naughty minxes. A term is when you have to go to school, i.e. spring term, summer term, autumn term, etc. Half-term is halfway through the term when you get time off the sentence for good behaviour. Not really – you get time off because otherwise all the teachers would have a nervy b.

Hangi

In Kiwi-a-gogo land when Maoris have a picnic they don’t bother lugging sandwiches, flaskes and so on; they get some beer and drink it, then they dig a big hole and put hot coals in it, then they chuck in 600 pounds of sausages, 8 sheep, huhu bugs, etc. Then they fill in the hole with earth and leave it to cook all afternoon. The Maoris chat and play poipoi, then they dig up the food and tuck in. Yum yum (unless you get a huhu bug, in which case erlack a pongo)

Heavy manners

This is Jamaican patois and means keeping you under surveillance and possibly house arrest. I had a Jamaican mate and instead of saying “hi”, or “hello”, he would say “iry”. But I thought he was saying “highway”, so I would say “highway” back. He thought I was obsessed with motorways. It can be very difficult to get on with other nations if they will insist on speaking their own languages.

Ho hum pig's bum

This actually means “I couldn’t give a flying pig’s botty”. Does that help you at all? Oh, look, I am really vair vair tired. Why are you so obsessed with pigs anyway? Stop going on and on about them. Don’t you get out enough?

Hobbit

Do we really have to do this? Oh God, are we never to be free? A hobbit is one of those little creatures in The Lord of the Rings with really big ears. They’re bloody lucky to get away with just the ears compared to a lot of the other horrible things in the books – orks and so on. Is there anyone in The Lord of the Rings who is normal? Answer: no. The whole thing is a nightmare of beards.

Immac

A cream you use to remove evidence of the orang-utan gene. Hair remover.

Japes

Enid Blyton wrote children’s books about the Famous Five in the 1950s. These five complete wets and weeds had lots of “japes” and “jolly wheezes”. If, for instance, they hid behind the door and then leapt out to surprise their parents, that would be a “wizard jape”. I think you get the picture of what extraordinarily crap books they were.

Kiwi-a-gogo land

New Zealand. “-a-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land. Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs’-legs-a-gogo land.